Hi it's Ry

Before quarantine, I cannot remember the last time my family and I sat down together to eat dinner. It was DEFINITELY before college. Maybe even before high school too. 

We all have always had super different schedules. The older we got the more complicated it got. I was a year-round athlete in high school. Jack has worked until 7 most nights. Joshua would often go to friends’ houses for dinner. My mom often works until 10 or 11 at night. 

Between practices, playdates, work, games, and sometimes just being sick of each other – we just stopped having time for dinner as a family.

In addition to not being able to make time for each other – we all have super different diets. I have been a vegetarian for the last 6 years. Jack is essentially a carnivore and is also on a low carb diet. My mom got a surgery that limits what foods and how much we can eat. And Joshua is the pickiest eater known to man.

I imagine my mom decided that trying to find a meal that worked for everyone just wasn’t worth it. Or even possible for that matter. 

I honestly don’t blame her.

Once we found out that we would be quarantined for the foreseeable future I basically forced my family to all sit down together and eat dinner. 

We had the BEST time. 

We laughed and has heart to heart conversations. From that day back in March, we have had dinner together almost every night.

None of us eat the same meals. Some nights I’ll have cereal, Joshua will have rice with soy sauce, Jack will have Italian sausages, and my mom will have some grilled veggies. 

But regardless we are all together. And it makes us so happy. 

We are so happy.

J O S H U A

Joshua Michael DeCorte.

Joshua with Jack at his graduation ceremony.

My 16-year-old baby brother. Without our dad around, he has always referred to me as his second mom or even his dad. He wants to be a Marine. His favorite foods are rice, soy sauce, and pepperoni pizza. His heart his huge when it comes to his family, but other than that he has no time for nonsense. His favorite show is Rick and Morty and his favorite movie is JarHead. 

Joshua today, at the beginning of June, is a COMPLETELY opposite person than the boy I knew last June.

J U N E  2 0 1 9

Last June, Josh flipped our family upside down.  I will spare you the details but give you the longggg story short – well as short as I can. 

Basically, Joshua was acting out – a lot. More than the “normal” 15-year-old boy from a small town should. He was smoking. He was dealing drugs. He was sneaking alcohol. He stopped doing his school work. He even stopped going to school.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he ran away from home. Literally. 

He ran away to his 12-year-old girlfriend’s house and didn’t tell anyone.  He went for a “walk” and never came home. We searched the neighborhood and the streets nearby. For hours. Eventually, my mom made her way to the police station, and there she filed a missing person report.

Joshua in the Summer of 2018.

We were all worried sick. We went to bed, but we didn’t sleep. 

The next morning there was still no news on Joshua. I assumed the worse – so did my mom. Jack was too scared to say anything. 

Of course the next day, I had jury duty, Jack had to go to work, and so did my mom. We were all just waiting for that phone call that he was found safe. 

There was a moment of relief when the police said they were going to the next town over to the girlfriend’s house to look for him. This moment was crushed when we found out that her mother said she hadn’t seen him.

We told the police that there is literally nowhere else he could be. He had to be at this girl’s house. The police decided to go back and to our surprise (but also not really) Joshua was getting into the mother’s car. 

The police updated us and he was sent to a mental hospital for a few weeks. 

T H E  A F T E R M A T H

There are a few more details that I decided to leave out but after that incident (and everything else prior) I just really didn’t think Joshua and I’s relationship was ever going to be repaired. 

We spent the summer living as roommates rather than siblings.

Joshua & I at Disney in 2018.

My mom ended up sending him on this wilderness “retreat” in the woods of Minnesota for 6 weeks. Here he was forced to get his act together. I didn’t have high hopes that he would change. We had tried stuff like this before and it really didn’t phase him. 

I went away to college by the time he returned home and didn’t see him until Christmas break.

J U N E  2 0 2 0

These day’s Joshua and I’s relationship is 100% better than ever.

Joshua circa 2010.

He has proven that he has changed his ways. He has apologized. He even joined the Young Marines.

I am so proud of him for deciding to turn his life around before it reached the point of no return. He really is turning out to be a wonderful young man.

I can honestly say that I am proud to call him my baby brother. His mental and behavioral growth is admirable and I think he will excel in the military someday.

Today was my biggest little brother’s (Jack’s) graduation ceremony. 

It was in our driveway. In 80 degree weather. With most of our immediate family. 

Honestly, despite how unconventional it was and maybe even how unfair it was to Jack – we all had a lovely time.

As I continue to process with this blog I find myself wondering if I should’ve chosen a different topic. Not because my family hasn’t grown but because I get rather emotional writing about it.

My family has changed.

Myself and Jack.

It’s nice to write about the happy stuff in our little family of four. It’s wonderful really. But to get to that happy stuff, we had to go through some pretty emotional, traumatizing, painful bumps in the road.

But I want to continue with this topic as I feel it is important to face these emotions. 

After all, this blog is about GROWTH. Being able to write through the change – good and bad – is a sign of growth.

Am I making sense yet?

J A C K

If anyone had to deal with a quarantined graduation ceremony – of course, it would be Jack. 

He always jokes that he is the classic middle child. That he is the “forgotten” child. And if anyone was going to have a “lame” graduation it would be him. 

The Jack I knew even 3 years ago would have thrown a tantrum. He would have

Joshua and Jack.

refused to go out into the driveway to receive is a temporary paper diploma. He wouldn’t have put on the gown because it was a little too short. He wouldn’t have worn the cap because it was a little too small.

He would have been happy to just receive the diploma in the mail. 

Jack has a strain of autism. Specifically Aspberger Syndrome. 

This makes it hard for Jack to say how he feels. He bottles up his emotions until he cries or has an angry snap. He also has to wear certain socks and sneakers. And he NEEDS to know “the plan” every single day. 

Even if it’s just no plan. The plan could be to hang out at home for the day.

L I V I N G  W I T H  J A C K

Jack has definitely changed. He’s matured I should say – obviously. 

But the way he copes and expresses his emotions through his autism has not changed. We, as a family, have changed how we address and handle Jack’s feelings.

We used to fight. We used to scream. We used to cry.

We would say words we didn’t mean. We would inflict harm when it wasn’t necessary. We would poke fun at something he can’t control because we didn’t know how to cope.

Our Mom and Jack.

It was awful.

He would fight. He would scream. He would cry. 

Yet, he would only say words that he meant. He would inflict harm but only because he was confused. He would never poke fun at others because he took everything so seriously. 

It was confusing.  But it was Jack.

J A C K  T O D A Y

Living with Jack now compared to just a year ago is a completely different experience. I feel quarantine has a big part in that. We have been forced (rightfully so) to live – quite literally – on top of each other since mid-March.

You get to know a person. 

Spending these few months with Jack has taught me how to properly deal with his emotions. And quite honestly his lack of emotion.

Due to his form of autism, his brain chemistry disables Jack from being able to just talk to others about how he feels. If he was angry or upset we couldn’t help him because he wouldn’t tell us what was wrong. This led to loud fights, screaming matches, and slammed doors from both my family and Jack. 

After a few charged conversations with Jack, I began to better understand the why behind why can’t we help you, Jack? It wasn’t our fault. It wasn’t his fault. Jack just copes differently than most. Through these coping skills, we are better able to understand how Jack is feeling and why he is feeling that way.

Our mom’s fiance, Derek, Jack, and our mom.

For example, if he plays his Nintendo Switch upstairs in the living room he is happy, content, and at ease. If he is wearing his sneakers in the house while eating junk food he is worked up about something. If he is rubbing his hands up and down his legs while watching a movie he is sad. 

If anyone else in my family was feely happy, anxious, or sad – we would all speak up. Jack wouldn’t do this. But as he expressed to me how he feels while doing all these things it became easier to “read” him.

Isn’t that funny? Being able to “read” someone. It’s almost as if I have been trying to translate The Book of Jack my entire life but just after a few conversations he gave me the “translation codes” to understand.

G R O W T H

I feel so lucky to have been able to have those conversations with Jack and to have applied what he told me to our relationship. I have learned that he is the most compassionate, selfless, and intelligent man I have EVER met. And I get to call him not only my baby brother but my friend. And today I got to watch him graduate.

And I think that is something that made this ceremony worth celebrating.